by: Angela Lewis
E goes and leaves I behind
E goes on and on and on and
So it goes
Egos
Main E yaks
The man, he yaks
Maniac
Man i ache a little
Maniacal
E goes on and on and on and...
E goes and leaves I behind
E goes on and on and on and
So it goes
Egos
Main E yaks
The man, he yaks
Maniac
Man i ache a little
Maniacal
E goes on and on and on and...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What I liked:
I liked that she really makes the reader say the word twice without realizing what's going on. "Man i ache a little" becomes "Maniacal" and before you can think about it, you've repeated yourself phonetically. It's wonderful it its ability to play with the sound of an E.
Improvements:
This is a poem that could have easily continued and been expanded and I would like to see some of that expansion. Perhaps she did expand and this was the only part she actually liked. That could be possible. However, I would have liked to see a longer version. The more you play with a word or sound, the more different fragments you will get, and the more complete your web will become. Even if not all of it is super quality, I would love to see her just lay down a concept that she plays with for a much longer time. There will always be gems in the rough places. This is a place to learn anyway. Just suggestions.
I liked that she really makes the reader say the word twice without realizing what's going on. "Man i ache a little" becomes "Maniacal" and before you can think about it, you've repeated yourself phonetically. It's wonderful it its ability to play with the sound of an E.
Improvements:
This is a poem that could have easily continued and been expanded and I would like to see some of that expansion. Perhaps she did expand and this was the only part she actually liked. That could be possible. However, I would have liked to see a longer version. The more you play with a word or sound, the more different fragments you will get, and the more complete your web will become. Even if not all of it is super quality, I would love to see her just lay down a concept that she plays with for a much longer time. There will always be gems in the rough places. This is a place to learn anyway. Just suggestions.
Thanks so much for the nice words!
ReplyDeleteYeah, this is only the parts of this poem that i liked. lol I'm just gunna let it sit and marinate for a while and i'll revisit it later!
thanks for the advice!