BUT TO BUSINESS! Whitney, this week, I'm taking a look at your poem, y'see? And for any who do not want to have to go find it themselves, here it is:
Softening
by: Whitney Johnson
Like the alphas tucked in boxed chocolates
Doing that which clogs the spout 'til they are limp,
The path they hoped their other halves would grate
Is a whisp of dissent that strangles them.
If they wish to vacate the hole, then go rest in it
Until you gentle her with a sword that offers the hue,
Or a slice of the fence thats repeats like a storm cracks
In the sparkles of the reflecting faced rightside up.
She won't save herself from grinding a stylish rag.
Doing that which clogs the spout 'til they are limp,
The path they hoped their other halves would grate
Is a whisp of dissent that strangles them.
If they wish to vacate the hole, then go rest in it
Until you gentle her with a sword that offers the hue,
Or a slice of the fence thats repeats like a storm cracks
In the sparkles of the reflecting faced rightside up.
She won't save herself from grinding a stylish rag.
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What I liked: I liked the discordant imagery here. I don't know that it's a refined breakdown of language, but in part, I like it because it's rough and sometimes vague, but the phrases feel like they could mean something if only I could piece them back together. It feels very fractured and strange. As the title of this post says: you always surprise me with your work.
Improvements: At times it seems to detached, if there is such a thing. I think some readers would be turned off by the cryptic quality to the poem where I am instead compelled to read more. I personally like it the way it is, but it would be a very niche genre, this poem.
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P.S. Exactly seven of you raised your hands to say that you want to be me. Creepy, huh?
Thanks, David! I would like a chocolate bar as well....! Anyways, to form this poem, I took all of the lines out of my Junkyard quotes, which could possibly be why it is so fractured at times, and put them in the shape of a random poem. I would, however, like to work on it further. Thanks! I always enjoy your criticism/feedback.
ReplyDeleteahhh, that explains a lot. That's a pretty awesome idea: I might have to steal that for myself.
ReplyDelete